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## Chapter: Cultivating Your Inner Garden
[ 5 ]
Discover:
Crafting Narratives of Personal Evolution
Leaving behind the frenetic pulse of Brooklyn, Elias sought refuge in the quiet embrace of his parents' upstate home when the pandemic swept through the city. Confined to his apartment, the minutes had bled into endless hours, and he yearned for a glimpse of the sun. Fear shadowed daytime walks, confining his explorations to the hushed evening hours. The solace of extended sunset strolls offered some relief, but his spirit remained parched. A profound sense of isolation, unlike any he’d previously known, settled upon him. His work at a respected, internationally-minded communication firm, once a source of pride, now felt hollow. His colleagues seemed disengaged, and the tasks he had once deemed meaningful were now dwarfed by the immensity of the global crisis. Most of his friends had already escaped the city, but he had stubbornly clung to his independence until he could no longer bear the burden. He had always prized his self-reliance, but the cost had become unbearable. With a bag packed with essential belongings, he began his journey north.
Elias was an urbanite at heart, a creature of concrete and steel. He didn’t drive and had never felt the need for a car. Houseplants were a commitment that didn’t fit his lifestyle, and outside of an unexpected eruption of mushrooms thriving in a damp corner of his old apartment, the world of gardening was a distant concept. However, shortly after he arrived, his mother started preparing her garden for the summer months. Surprisingly, her passion for roses, cosmos, columbines, and daylilies started to ignite a spark of interest within him.
Years later, both Elias and his mother share a fervent devotion to their garden. He's now become the family's self-appointed weekend gardener/unpaid groundskeeper—and by last count, he nurtures over thirty-five distinct daylily cultivars throughout the grounds, plus a dedicated patch for hybrid experiments.
The act of learning something new, driven by your own curiosity, on your own schedule, and for your own gratification, offers a surprisingly strong remedy for feelings of stagnation. We often associate learning exclusively with formal education, believing that chapter closes when our careers begin. But discovering new knowledge later in life can be a source of profound joy and meaning. Even mandatory training can be infused with significance if you connect it to your own experiences or ambitions. Looking back on the personal development you’ve achieved can also breed a deep sense of pride.
You don’t need to embark on a costly sailing course or invest endless time in mastering golf. Simply search for "daylilies" online and let your curiosity lead the way. Knitting becomes expensive only if you develop a taste for premium yarn, and the practice itself can be incorporated into even the most tiresome meeting. The amount of time, money, and collaboration your new pursuit requires is entirely under your control. Trying something novel is within everyone's reach, here and now. Just be sure your motivation is from an authentic place.
Extrinsic Motivation: Learning for external gains – mastering a skill for recognition, outperforming others, or showing off.
Intrinsic Motivation: Learning as a means of personal transformation – altering your self-perception, redefining your capabilities, and becoming a more complete version of yourself.
The Architecture of Self
The potential for self-improvement, and even the simple knowledge that we possess it, is something I would define as self-enhancement, a fundamental element of a positive self-image—and a pathway to thriving. Elias intuitively grasped this as soon as he settled back into Brooklyn. Instead of endless television binges, he would dedicate his time to learning how to ensure the survival of a delicate rose bush through a harsh winter season. He was a gardener, of sorts now – whether by chance or design he wasn't exactly sure. By embracing learning and personal growth of his own free will, he'd fundamentally altered his perception of himself—in a positive way.
I often visualize the self as an intricate system, much like the climate control system in your house. Your HVAC keeps track of internal temps, compares that data with pre-set options, and then reacts by either heating or cooling your home.
Just like your HVAC system, your own self-system is constructed to collate info regarding your own strengths and weaknesses, how you act in certain situations, the way other people see you, and how you are evolving as a person. This data is then measured against your pre-determined life narrative, or your temperature setting.
As Dan McAdams, psychologist and Northwestern University professor, explained, we begin to evolve into our own "historians of the self" during our adolescence, piecing together past experiences into narratives that provide meaning. These narratives can evolve and develop over time, but often become formative and decisive in our lives. One strand of our narrative could be that we want to be nothing like our mother, or perhaps that everything goes our way, and this conviction becomes a mantra. On the other hand, the narrative could be that we are always late and can never get our lives in order. Or perhaps, a narrative regarding a competency that we've discovered: I know about the specific climates needed to grow certain flowers, or I'm an amateur expert on daylilies. McAdams explained:
Life stories are psychological resources. We employ them to decide how we want to live our lives. Ideally, these stories affirm positive messages, telling us that we are good people, instilling hope for the future, celebrating achievements, and helping us to overcome suffering. However, these stories have to be honest and true. Sunny reconstructions won't work immediately if you're going through a horrible experience.
While difficult life events can negatively shape narratives, we are hard-wired to seek two things from them: self-consistency and self-enhancement. Research has shown that when we get feedback that does not align with our self-concept, we rush to find or create evidence to restore it. We look for opportunities to show we are honest if we are thought to have lied. We also have a deep psychological need for a positive view of ourselves, leading us to seek out favorable, positive, or flattering information. People try to create and maintain a positive self-image in many ways: by taking credit for successes (both our own and those of others), attributing our successes to skills, and making excuses for failures, attributing them to bad luck. Ultimately, most of us want to be above average, which leads to the phenomenon known as illusory superiority.
What kind of info are we gathering? We are constantly employing social comparison. We also compare who we are now to who we were in the past, using a "back to the future" system to reconstruct our memories. Once we've gone into our minds to travel back in time, we can now compare who we are today with who we were.
Like the reactors in your HVAC system, the self-system has its own reactors. The emotional system is the heating component while the thinking system is the cooling one. And unlike the HVAC, the self can employ both at the same time, going at full speed.
When an experience can be seen as uniformly good or bad, our feelings and thoughts are consistent. In moments of mixed feedback, our feelings and thoughts can be incongruent. You might feel one way but think another.
Imagine studying for months for an important exam, one that you're sure will define your career. But right before your exam, a friend visits you and convinces you to see your favorite band in concert. It's an unforgettable, special experience. You feel amazing in the moment, but the next day you feel tired and guilty that you partied instead of studying.
You may believe that you deserve an occasional reward, but you feel guilty about not studying. What if you fail because you chose to attend the concert? Is an unforgettable moment with a friend worth more in the long run?
You know that positive and negative thoughts and feelings can exist simultaneously. But maybe that unforgettable moment was worth more than any exam?
The Learning Paradox
Everyday, students attend school to learn. If learning was intrinsically good, shouldn't these youths be the happiest people in the world? In reality, languishing is more common in people finishing high school and starting young adulthood, a period that involves a lot of learning.
Learning must be an autonomous decision that leads to understanding of what is personally meaningful to contribute to well-being. Adults constantly face new challenges that require expertise, such as raising a family, staying healthy, or managing finances.
The wisdom we accumulate ebbs and flows. Just because you didn't go to law school doesn't mean you quit learning after high school or college graduation. Take credit for the value you've accrued. The growth in knowledge and subsequent boost in self-image can be found in surprising places, when you least expect it.
The Many Faces of Bravery
A lovely woman I know began playing the violin last year. Sheila, who turned fifty-five, noticed that her youngest child was leaving for college, and she and her husband were empty nesters. Sheila is healthy, lives a busy life, and appreciates her role in her community.
But she sensed an emptiness. She decided she wanted to do something just for herself. In her spare room she found all of the old musical instruments from her children's childhood pursuits. Could she? She decided that she would. She would learn the violin.
Learning new things as an adult is difficult. Before her big recital, the parents of the young performers in her group would tell her how brave she was. They marveled at her persistence and willingness to keep embarrassing herself.
"Do you get angry when they call you brave?" I asked.
"No, I am brave!"
Sheila has fought against marginalization as a woman of color in her insular town. She wants her opinions and presence to matter, and an identity outside of wife, mother, or PTA parent. The violin has given her a voice. It makes her feel younger, vibrant, more independent, and in control of her life. She feels thrilled that she can still learn.
Action Plan: Listen to yourself and ask the following questions. Then, make some changes.
If I didn't have to work, how would I spend my time?
Who in my life would I like to emulate?
How can I admire more people?
Who challenges me the most and why?
How can I meet more people who challenge me?
What future possibilities scare me?
How can I make changes without guilt?
How can I seek out challenges?
How can I learn from the past without dwelling?
How can I value myself in new ways?
Learning How to Teach and Teaching How to Learn
As a professor, I see what learning looks like. I still learn how to be a better teacher as I watch my students learn.
I've noticed that being a student has changed a lot. As a first-generation student, graduating from college was my biggest success. The pressure to do well was from myself, not from others. I made my own decisions, and never talked to other adults or students.
That would be unusual today. Many students would feel like failures if they don't make their parents proud, even if they graduate college. They feel that they'll disappoint their parents if their major wasn't as impressive as their parents' careers.
The American Dream has become something of a nightmare. This pressure to succeed has caused stress for students. Does our modern education system detract from curiosity and passion?
My students stress so much about getting a B- that I have had to find meaningful work for them to succeed in. In these circumstances, how can learning be fun for both of us?
I realized that I had forgotten how to learn myself, which made teaching less joyful. Was my class on happiness making things worse for students?
I needed to make the material relevant. From then on, I approached every topic from the perspective of the students sitting in front of me. I reduced the reading to two articles a week from magazines such as Scientific American, The Economist, Vanity Fair, and Rolling Stone.
I showed YouTube videos and TED Talks. I carefully chose them to be inspirational and emotional. Every class, there would be moments where the discussion and material brought students to tears. There were touching moments regarding topics like anxiety, death, and self-love.
My students listened to the lessons, but they also lived them. They were worrying about disappointing their parents, mourning relatives, and suffering the fear of never finding love. Even writing a letter of gratitude could stop the class.
I made the lessons apply to students' lives. Students stated they were learning material they could apply in their own lives.
I believe that the changes I made to my teaching changed some of my students' lives for the better. It gave them the opportunity to think about how their daily choices were affecting them.
I had started teaching as if they needed to learn something about themselves, not about my discipline.
Self-Change Is the Only Change
My therapist said that she expected to help with, at most, 20% of my improvement. The other 80% was up to me. I had to practice until I could stop my negative thoughts.
When I was triggered, I had to learn to embrace the unpleasant realities. I had to admit that my past was influencing my emotions, not the person I was angry at. I will never be able to control other people, but I can control my reaction.
I also learned from a Zen Buddhist who said, "Corey, whatever is happening to you at any given moment is the best possible thing that could be happening to you." How could something horrible ever be the best possible thing?
The Buddhist philosophy is that we should sit with whatever is happening to us with complete awareness and try to accept it without judgment. That awareness will grow into an understanding that we are united to the living world by suffering.
As I discussed in Part I, building tolerance gives us more agency. I don't buy that trauma is "the best thing," but I agree that bringing awareness to pain is something to strive for. Perhaps "Whatever is happening to you at any given moment is the only possible thing that could be happening to you" would be more accurate. Once it's happened, it's happened.
Pema Chödrön wrote that we can "step into uncharted territory and relax with the groundlessness of our situation...dissolving the dualistic tension between us and them, this and that, good and bad, by inviting in what we usually avoid."
Her teacher called this "leaning into the sharp points." The Buddhist philosophy is that when disaster strikes, we need to learn rather than run. I have to face it and make better choices. At first, I practiced choosing responses that didn't make things worse. Then, I could choose to make things better.
I wanted examples of people who could do such a thing. I wanted mentors who would inspire me.
Comparison Versus Admiration
We all admire those who have become good despite hardship. To admire someone means that they deserve the praise that they receive. But what if we start to compare ourselves instead of admiring them?
Comparison often holds us back from making improvements. Instagram and LinkedIn show people attending conferences, giving talks, and getting degrees. Families and friends used to be the only ones to hear our joy, but now we share them with a vast, uncaring world.
Comparison can trap us in negative feelings, such as anger, envy, and inferiority. Socrates thought that envy was the ulcer of the soul. It stops personal growth.
Admiration inspires us to become better. Greater admiration leads to a greater sense of purpose and personal growth, which helps us to flourish.
Researchers found that envy is negatively correlated with well-being. People with less envy have better relationships, purpose, and personal growth. They also have self-acceptance, environmental mastery, and autonomy. Personal growth increases as we increase admiration and decrease envy.
The Process of Self-Change
Moving away from languishing requires functioning better and making changes that lead to personal improvements. We believe that we will be rewarded by our personal improvements.
However, our research has shown that when people are given the choice to stay the same or change, most stay the same. This is why people can't escape their thought and behavior patterns.
Our research also found that making more improvements in the roles of partner, parent, or employee created more negative emotions. At the same time, it led to greater personal growth. Improvement might not be comfortable, but it means you are becoming a better person.
Is our desire for self-consistency holding us back? You can tell yourself that improvement is an absolute necessity. In some cases, it's life or death.
Anyone trying to change should move through the pain of growth more slowly than might be desirable. We are capable of more than we thought.
A Note on the Role of Willpower and Privilege in the Process of Personal Change
Our mental and emotional resources are limited, and we might not have enough energy to change. It might not be simple to "put in the effort" if you have mental illness, barriers, or oppression.
K.C. Davis wrote that self-help gurus over attribute success to their own hard work, without considering their physical, mental, or economic privileges. Different people struggle differently, and a life hack that works for one person may not work for someone else. Individual strengths, interests, and personalities mean that personal growth isn't one-size-fits-all. Most of us probably feel too busy to change, right?
When setting goals, remember that it's okay to go at your own pace.
Every day, try to do one thing differently from the day before. No one is judging your successes but you. You can always try again the next day.
Try aiming small, like reading one book on a topic that interests you every month. If that doesn't work, try listening to the book on your headphones while you are working.
Stressors and Challenges
Humans can be held back if they aren't challenged. We call those challenges stressors. Stress is a physiological reaction inside our bodies to handle danger. A stressor is an event that demands change.
"Manageable difficulties" is a term relevant to stress and aging. Changes can be overcome even if they exceed our capacity, but seem manageable. We have to feel that things are within reach. A friend of mine calls them "stretch assignments," which are challenges that are achievable, but not necessarily easy.
For most people, getting married is a positive event. However, it is a stressor because there is a wedding to throw, and adjustments must be made.
What about an event that creates less positivity, such as failing a class, moving to a new town, or losing a bid? All of these occurrences have the potential to lead to personal growth. Try to focus on the potential for growth rather than on the past. Fighting the current is dangerous, but swimming with the flow of the river can lead you to calmer waters.
Negative or unexpected stressors are the most damaging, especially when prolonged or chronic. Did stress have negative consequences in the following study?
The study asked people if they had experienced a serious stressor, which they defined as illness or injury, violence, death, economic or psychosocial events, relationship stress, and disaster. The researchers counted the amount of adversity each participant had accumulated and then measured their satisfaction with life.
They found that life satisfaction was highest among participants who had experienced just above, or just below, the average number of total lifetime stressors. Participants who had the highest level of stressors, or the lowest, were less satisfied with their lives.
There is a Goldilocks relationship between adversity and life satisfaction. The "just right amount" of adversity leads to the highest life satisfaction.
The study also measured participants' global distress. Participants with no lifetime adversity scores and those with very high adversity scores had higher distress than those with a moderate amount of adversity.
Accumulating too much adversity is no gain at all. But adversities that damage the body do not have to do the same to our psychological systems.
Enduring or overcoming adversity means that people no longer have to struggle with the fear of the unknown. Adversity teaches us about our strength, capacity for endurance, and the people we can count on.
Suffering One’s Way to Success
Without adversity, setbacks may feel overwhelming. With experience, new adversities may seem more manageable. Mindset matters.
I had a wonderful student, Nicole, who got very ill during her sophomore year. Her doctors told her that she couldn't dance anymore. She was devastated.
Nicole didn't know what to do. She began to study at the law library because it was peaceful. One evening, she noticed a sign for a Feminism and Legal Theory Project. She contacted the professor and asked to be involved.
That started a mentoring relationship. Maybe law could be the alternative to dance. If she had wasted time wallowing in disappointment, she might have missed out.
She went to Duke for law school, moved to New York City to work at a law firm, and accepted a visiting professorship at a law school in North Carolina. She told me that teaching law is the career she wants to have.
What was undoubtedly a period of terrible loss turned into a period of growth and learning. Instead of succumbing to the stress, she allowed it to change her life.
Action Plan: Allow curiosity to triumph over disappointment. Don't let fear scare you away. When you are at the library and see a sign, sign up instead of walking back to your dorm. Fill that space in your heart that your grown children once filled.
Perception Is Everything
We might be making things worse by ruminating on discomfort. If we could accept adversity and see it as an opportunity, we would all be better off.
The way people view stress affects the risk of premature death. Participants who said they had a lot of stressors and believed that stress affected health "a lot" reported distress and had a substantially increased risk of premature death. But adults who thought that stress affected health hardly at all reduced their chance of premature death and had the lowest levels of mental distress.
Serious stressors can affect health every day, but manageable stressors can be reframed as opportunities.
Action Plan: Work on the manageable stuff and fix what can be fixed. Some things cannot be undone, but other stressors can be reframed.
A coach prepares a team for a difficult game by breaking it down and figuring out how to neutralize the opponent. A good coach sees the challenge as an opportunity for change and approaches it as manageable.
Think of a barrier in your life, like a course you need to take for your job, a meeting you need to set up, or a call you need to make to plan a get-together.
Instead of thinking of it as a barrier, think of it as a speed bump. Even if a call goes sideways, you can learn how you and others respond to conflict. Think of it as an opportunity for growth, and that you can indeed overcome.
Growth After Adversity
Rumi wrote that adversity arrives at our doorstep and that our job is to welcome the sorrow and anger and treat it with respect. They are guests that will depart.
Adversity helps us clear out what no longer serves us. Like guests, it leaves when we've experienced it, listened to it, and faced what it's stirred up inside. That guest will have served its purpose, and it is no longer something to fear. You will have grown.
None of us sets out to screw up in life. Perfection is just as great of a folly. Humans don't sit in a cabinet untouched. The only path toward flourishing includes change, failures, effort, and improvement.
What about mistakes that endanger lives? Doctors fall prey to errors that lead to misdiagnoses, drug miscalculations, treatment delays, hospital infections, and surgical mistakes.
Many errors are due to system failure rather than human failure. Physicians suffering from burnout are twice as likely to report making mistakes. It's sometimes difficult to separate preventable mistakes from broken processes.
If doctors have the courage to face their mistakes, they can grow. 34% of doctors don't believe they should disclose errors, and 20% admitted to not fully disclosing an error for fear of being sued. But research has yielded universal lessons on mistakes.
The doctors took a first step of accepting what they couldn't change. Doctors who maintained careers after mistakes took responsibility and played back the tape. One doctor said, "I knew what I had done... I knew what I should have done, and so it became, well, how did you miss it in this case?"
Many of the doctors saw that they used to act as if they had all the answers. They regularly sought input, questions, and critiques. Others tolerated disagreement in order to move toward the best decision.
We might want doctors to be invincible, but that would be detrimental.
Action Plan: Self-change may bring us closer to perfection, but only if we embrace imperfections. Invite humility into your life, and accept the inevitability of failure.
Rather than sitting in regret, can we mine our mistakes to unearth insights about ourselves, our motivations, our coping mechanisms, and our patterns? This yields self-awareness and self-compassion.
Be like Rumi: accept adversity as an opportunity and learn the lesson. One doctor tried to recover from a mistake, saying, "I haven't gotten very wise from anything that went right the first time."