Chapter Content
Okay, so, ever wonder, like, *who* you really are? It's a big question, right? I was thinking about this comedian, Jenny Slate. You know, maybe you've seen her on "Saturday Night Live" or "Parks and Recreation" as Mona-Lisa Saperstein, that totally out-there character. Or, um, maybe you caught "Obvious Child," or her stand-up. Shoot, you might have even heard her voice in "Zootopia," "Despicable Me 3," "Big Mouth," "Bob's Burgers," or that amazing "Marcel the Shell with Shoes On" movie.
Thing is, whatever she's doing, Jenny always feels, well, *herself*. But it wasn't always like that. When she was on "SNL," she tried to be, you know, this super attention-grabbing comedian, like, what she thought she *should* be. It's a huge deal to be on that show, a dream for so many, and she liked the people, but something just felt...off. She wasn't really being *her*.
She thought there was this certain way comedians were "supposed" to be – this, like, gutsy, sassy thing – and she was trying so hard to fit that mold. She'd ask herself, "How do I seem like I just don't even care?" But that's the thing, Jenny *does* care. She cares a lot! And it wasn't just that the job wasn't the right fit, she actually felt like she'd failed, like *she* was the problem.
Then, one day, this voice came out, this sweet, kind of gravelly, child's voice. She was stuck in a hotel room with friends at a wedding, and the voice just, like, *happened* as this spontaneous expression of how small and cramped she felt, both in the room and, you know, in life. It wasn't exactly *her* voice, but it *was*. And her friends thought it was hilarious.
So, after the wedding, she and her partner at the time decided to make a character out of it. They went to a craft store, got all the supplies, and glued together Marcel, this tiny seashell creature with a big googly eye and little pink shoes. And they made a short stop-motion video where Marcel describes his life. He wears a lentil as a hat, hangs glides on a Dorito. He says, "My one regret in life is that I'll never have a dog, but sometimes I tie a hair to a piece of lint and drag it around." And he's totally unapologetic about who he is, saying things like, "Sometimes people say that my head is too big for my body, and then I say, compared to what?!"
They put the video, "Marcel the Shell with Shoes On," on YouTube, just to share with friends and family. Marcel is open with his feelings, modest, shy, but also so honest, charming, and sincere. He's kind of like Jenny, but also different from what you'd expect from a comedian. And the response...wow! Instead of just a few people watching, over thirty-six million people saw it. And they loved it, just like her friends did.
It was revelatory for her, having people embrace this authentic expression of herself. She said, "In that moment, it was worth it...Like I knew magic exists." She realized she didn't have to be someone she wasn't, or act like she didn't care, to connect with people. Instead of fighting her core self, she could make art that expressed it. And suddenly, the world of comedy felt wide open.
Since then, the feeling of "who she is" has guided everything, not just Marcel (which she turned into more shorts, a book, and a movie), but also her stand-up, her book "Little Weirds," and everything else. Listening to that voice that says, "This isn't me," and, more importantly, listening to the voice that says, "This is me," has helped her create art that's not just funny, but that really connects with audiences.
Apparently, there's a part of our brain, the "self-relevance system," that helps us figure out what feels like "me" and "not me." It uses our past, present, and future goals to decide what's relevant to us, helping us understand our mental states, our traits, and how our choices fit into our life story, and, crucially, how to make choices that will be rewarding.
This system is actually closely tied to the "value system" in the brain. They're intertwined! So, when we make a decision, like who to work with or what to watch, our brain figures out if it feels like "me" or "not me." Choices that feel right feel rewarding, and choices that don't fit can be tough. This means self-relevance is a big factor in how we make decisions.
But how does our brain figure out what's "me"? And why does it feel so good to make choices that line up with who we think we are?
Well, Jenny describes her and Marcel as having a kind of "utilitarian positivity." Utilitarian because they're resourceful and hard workers, and positivity because they're optimistic and see possibilities. She says, "That's like my dogma. And in the Marcel movie, that's how he's living." They both also really want to connect with others. So, watching Marcel, we see a piece of Jenny.
It's pretty amazing how our brains can even answer questions like "Who am I?" Jenny's brain has to do so much to figure out what she's like and how it relates to Marcel. She might recall memories, memories of creating Marcel, and put them together. What's going on in her brain when she's doing that?
One study had people think about their traits, feelings, and physical attributes while they were getting brain scans. They thought about their personality, how they were feeling at that moment, and their physical traits. And all of these different forms of self-reflection lit up an overlapping area in the medial prefrontal cortex, which suggests that there's at least some shared brain area that helps us think about who we are in a moment and who we are in general.
This system doesn't just help us answer basic questions like "Am I polite?" or "Am I messy?" but also how important these different parts of ourselves are to us. Some traits are more core to who we are. For Jenny, her desire to connect with others is core.
When we think about ourselves, the self-relevance system gets more active, including the medial prefrontal cortex and other regions. These regions also help us remember past experiences (which is key to learning about ourselves) and imagine the future (which helps us chase goals). These thoughts are all important for deciding what matters to us.
Basically, the self-relevance system filters our experiences based on how personally significant and emotionally intense they are. It keeps track of the personal significance of memories, not just what happened in a factual sense. This system even handles how good or bad different events are for us and how vividly we think about them. Imagining good and bad things activates this system, with different parts tracking how positive or negative they would be and how vividly we imagine them.
It's helpful to realize that these different parts of our brain handle the valence and vividness of thoughts separately. It reminds us that we can dial these processes up or down. Brain scans are so helpful in figuring out which processes are related and how, because it's not always obvious that things that seem different on the surface are actually using the same underlying brain processes, and vice versa.
The crazy thing is, the self-relevance system and the value system overlap a ton! They both rely on regions like the medial prefrontal cortex. They're so intertwined that it can be hard to separate them, even in a lab setting.
One group of researchers even tried to find words that people would rate as good but "not me," and vice versa. It took them six tries to come up with a list where enough words were rated as each possible combination of "me" or "not me" and "good" or "bad." They filled in the "good" / "not me" quadrant with traits like "aristocratic," "limber," and "wealthy." And even then, the brain patterns that tracked self-relevance were still really similar to the brain patterns that tracked value.
Another research team found that the same brain patterns that show up when people look at positive and negative images also show up when they think about themselves versus others.
You don't even need a brain scanner to see this in action. Think about what you'd say if someone asked you to describe yourself. You'd probably include things you like and dislike. We associate what we value with who we are so closely that just based on a few preferences, you probably feel like you know something about a person. We share our likes and dislikes as a performance of who we are.
You'd also probably include some core traits, like being kind, curious, or fair. Interestingly, most people don't use negative words to describe their core traits.
That's because most of us have positive illusions about ourselves. We think we're "above average," even when we're not. We rate ourselves higher on desirable traits and lower on undesirable traits compared to the average person. This is especially true for traits we think we can control. So, when the self-relevance system answers the question "Are you kind?", the answer is optimistic, biased, and only partially complete. And because the self-relevance system and value system overlap, we use this flawed version of ourselves to make decisions.
So, it turns out identity is a major input to the value calculation. Our choices define us, but our self-conception also drives our choices.
Researchers have shown that personalized messages, tailored to a person's identity, goals, or values, are more effective than generic ones. This can include adding the person's name or using a messenger from a similar demographic, but messages that really reflect a person's specific needs, values, and goals are even better. For example, smokers were more successful at quitting when they got messages that took into account their personal smoking history and motives for quitting.
Brain imaging shows that personalized messages activate the self-relevance system more than generic ones. And people whose self-relevance systems were especially active in response to personalized coaching were more likely to quit.
The choice doesn't even have to be that big. If you think of yourself as someone who follows your heart, focusing on how something makes you feel increases activity in the self-relevance and value systems.
So, focusing our attention on how a choice aligns with our identity can influence the value calculation and motivate changes. We can use this to be more persuasive or to notice when others are doing it to us. You can highlight how making a big presentation at work is similar to engaging a crowd. Or if you're an extrovert who has a hard time exercising, focus on how group hiking fits with your social self.
It's important to remember that what's "me" and "not me" isn't set in stone. Our selves are collections of traits and identities. Depending on how we look at things, the same choice can seem consistent or inconsistent with who we are. We can find power in this flexibility. By highlighting how different choices we want to make can be consistent with who we are, we can feel more agency.
One day, someone told me that academics can be great runners because they have the same focus and dedication. I noticed what they were doing – encouraging me to see running as consistent with my identity as a hard worker, rather than opposed to it. And even though I knew what they were doing, it worked. It's a feedforward cycle – the more you make small moves toward being a certain way, the more it feels like part of "you." This aligns with what's known as the identity-value model of self-control. When we align our sense of self and values with what we do, we have a sense of agency.
Self-relevance is powerful for persuading people, including ourselves. We need to be aware of this, especially online, where the incentives are often not aligned with our well-being. Stop and notice how messages are tapping into our bias that things that seem "like me" are also correct and good. Our self-relevance system can boost our self-esteem, but it can also hold us back, especially when changes seem to threaten who we think we are.
This comedian Jenny Slate experienced a transformation when she realized she could do comedy her way, and then she faced another when she became a mom.
She was starting to feel anxious, worrying that she'd be a worse version of herself after the baby came, or that she wouldn't exist anymore. A lot of us feel like that in moments of big change. When your identity is tied to your job or relationships, losing them feels like losing yourself. You might stay in a relationship longer because you can't imagine being single.
Jenny took comfort in feeling that there was a core self that was stable. Having a fixed sense of self can help us organize our experiences. But it can also make changes scarier. A strong sense of identity can be comforting, but also a source of anxiety before a big transition. We tend to think of that stable self as good.
The version of ourselves that our brains come up with is more like a dating profile than an objective truth. When we're facing a change, think about ways the change is consistent with our sense of self. It can also be helpful to let go of old ideas about who we are, or at least not hold onto them so tightly. We can challenge our own ideas about what we are, and whether we even need to think of ourselves in those ways.
There are times when it feels great to do work that feels authentic, but there are also times when it can hold us back by limiting who we think we are. Or, structural barriers may even prevent us from aligning our behaviors with our authentic selves. Still, we can change, and what we think of as "me" can be bigger than we think. Just as we can expand what might be rewarding, we can work to imagine more qualities available in our repertoire.
Meditation can help us let go of rigid ideas about who we are. People who meditate a lot have different brain patterns, especially in regions that build our sense of self. Meditation can make us more open to new ideas about who we are or could be. Transformative experiences often involve feeling like our core sense of self is no longer separate and unique. Psychedelics have been shown to reduce activity in the medial prefrontal cortex and have been linked to "ego dissolution," which means letting go of our restricted sense of self.
Transformative experiences often involve broader feelings of connectedness to others, which are usually limited by the boundaries of "me" and "not me." Taking a psychedelic or experiencing community in a radically different way can help us let go of that strong ego. We can also practice making those boundaries more permeable through meditation and other activities, and we can notice how we're connected to others.
Becoming a parent, losing a loved one, falling in love – these can all help us reorganize what we know about ourselves, how we make decisions, and what we value. And that shapes who we become.
We can consider that our brains can adapt, and that we don't have to believe everything we think about who we are. Social norms and expectations influence our sense of self and value calculations. Paying attention to this gives us permission to imagine other possibilities. Social norms have shaped my brain's ideas about who does certain jobs, but that's different from whether I can imagine myself being capable of doing those jobs.
Jenny remembered having a "dreadful anticipatory energy" before becoming a mom, but she also realized it was the feeling people get before a big change, "right before they are about to sort of, like, decompose in service of a really good transformation." She worried about becoming a parent and what it would mean for her relationship and her sense of self.
But after giving birth, she felt a new and expansive sense of power. "Seeing what I was capable of, giving birth, seeing what my partner was capable of in supporting me through that, seeing the baby herself and the entire catalog of new feelings that come with that...I, all of a sudden, was able to realize that, yeah, at the core of me is love."
Those new feelings and connections have made her feel more like a leader, a person with the power to connect with others. And those connections have transformed her into who she is now.
Jenny's creation of Marcel was one part of her exploring what it was like to do things that felt "like her," and becoming a parent was another. Her self-relevance system helped identify those things and make sense of them. As social creatures, we also figure out who we are by what other people see in us. The warm reception that people gave Marcel reinforced Jenny's sense that it was valuable to lean into work that was compatible with those parts of herself. And that isn't unique to her, as many of us also use how we think others see us to figure out who we are. So how do we, exactly, let other people shape our thoughts and choices? That relies on the social relevance system, which is closely related to what we just discussed.