Chapter Content
Okay, so, you know, reflecting on everything, I think back to my friend Emile, my colleague Emile Bruneau. Long before he, you know, gathered everyone to pass on his work, he had this clear vision of how we could use neuroscience and psychology to help people, like, really change, connect with each other, you know? And after he found out about his brain tumor, wow, I was just amazed at how he, while staying true to what he believed in, you know, quickly adapted to his new reality. His sight was fading, and he, well, he didn't have long. I watched him work with his family, his collaborators, making these huge decisions. What treatments? How would his kids remember him? How would his work, you know, on empathy and peace, how would that keep going?
After his diagnosis, I just kept thinking about his brain, not just the tumor, but what was happening as he was making all these choices. He balanced being present with being optimistic. He had this strong sense of himself, but he was also open to change. He understood how powerful it is that we can imagine what others are thinking and feeling, but also how that can, like, mislead us, you know? He could find joy with so many different people without getting stuck in an echo chamber. I started recording our conversations, spending as much time as I could with him, talking about everything, parenting, peacebuilding, everything. You can study something in a lab for years, but it's just not the same as seeing it all come together in real life, you know? He made choice after choice, just laser-focused on what was important to him. He made it seem almost easy, but, of course, for most of us, it's not.
Actually, it wasn't easy for me, a few years later, when Bev, well, she told me we weren't spending enough quality time together. And that little request, it made me feel, I don't know, constricted, conflicted. I felt like I was short on time, making dinner for the kids, thinking about work deadlines, wanting to walk with my grandma. But, you know, noticing, growing, deepening our connections with others, that's so important, it's fundamental to our well-being, to being able to innovate, to our sense of who we are, and to making choices that feel right.
Emile, when he was facing this extreme limitation on his time, he responded so differently. He was constantly expanding what was possible, leaning into his connections, letting go of the boundaries we often put on ourselves, on our presence, our openness, our love, empathy, and our willingness to see ourselves as connected to others.
One night, after the kids were in bed, I was with Emile in his hospital room, playing my dad’s guitar. My dad had recently passed away, and I was sharing my grief. Emile, in turn, was wondering about his kids, what life would be like for them after he was gone. And then, after a pause, he turned to me and he described how meaningful it had been to him, even years after his mother died, to keep deepening his relationship with her.
I didn't understand. I was like, "What do you mean? How can you deepen your relationship with someone who is gone?"
And he just said, "The same way as you do with someone who is alive."
That's what Emile did. He would take a situation that seemed, you know, fixed, limited, sometimes impossible, and he would find a new possibility inside it.
Emile talked about what the research shows, how so much of how we interact comes down to engaging with the ideas we each hold, the stories, the practices, what we think, what we think someone else might be thinking. We don't spend that much time physically with most people, even when they're alive, you know? Our relationships mostly happen in our minds. But they still influence how we understand ourselves, how we make the choices that shape who we become.
It felt like Emile’s understanding of the brain was helpful, comforting, even empowering to him, and I hope that this… understanding the brain might be helpful to you too. Governments and researchers are trying to figure out how to make AI more transparent, so we can align it with our values. And maybe understanding the brain can help us do something similar within ourselves. You know, to grasp some of the elements that tell us who we are, to understand how we make sense of other people's minds, to know what's influencing our values, and maybe even rebalance things for ourselves, or others. After all, this is really about helping people live in line with the world they want to see.
In one conversation, Emile reminded me that, because our cells are constantly refreshing, what makes us who we are isn't the physical stuff, it's the patterns, how they work together. And in the brain, it's the patterns of firing and connection that create our thoughts, feelings, who we are. As someone who studies communication and how ideas spread, I'm fascinated by how those patterns get transmitted beyond ourselves. The patterns we set in motion with our thoughts, feelings, and actions, they ripple out, growing, adapting in the world. That's why I do what I do, that's why I wrote this, and that's what I hope you take away from it.
So, even when we feel alone, we're still connected, and parts of us are spread across people and time. I remember walking with Bev, under the trees, and she said she wants us to have that party we're planning for her hundredth birthday, whether she's there or not. And I told her, "You'll be there." We will celebrate life, this life where we're all connected.