Chapter Content
Okay, so, like, let's talk about this whole happiness thing, right? Because, honestly, sometimes I think we're chasing the wrong thing. You know, that whole idea that happiness is the ultimate goal? It's like, not so fast.
There's this quote I really love, I think it's Thoreau, about happiness being like a butterfly. You know, if you chase it directly, you'll never catch it. But if you just, like, focus on other stuff, it'll eventually land on your shoulder. Which basically means, if you're *only* trying to be happy, you're probably gonna end up... not.
It's that whole thing of, you know, us trying to, like, "achieve" happiness, like it's a thing on a to-do list. We chase these good feelings, but they never stick around. And maybe the trick is to focus on, you know, functioning well. I mean, purpose, self-acceptance, being part of a community... all that good stuff. And then, maybe, happiness just kinda... shows up as a bonus.
I actually do this thing with my students, it's kinda funny. The first day of class, I ask them what they want most in life. And, duh, it's always happiness. I mean, who doesn't want to feel good, right? So, I give them this assignment: go out and do something that makes you happy. And, like, try to make that happiness last, like, a whole afternoon.
They're all stoked, naturally. No reading? No homework? Just, like, go have fun? Sign me up! But then, when they come back, they've all failed. Seriously. Nobody could keep that happy feeling going for more than, like, an hour. And if they *tried* to, it just felt... fake.
So, what's the deal? Are they doomed? Nah. It's because happiness is an emotion. I have to, like, remind them of this. Like, *duh*, right? But, think about it: sadness, fear, anger... all emotions. And, in one study, there were all these pictures, and people from, like, everywhere could understand the emotions in the pictures.
And every single one of those emotions, even the "bad" ones, has a purpose. Sadness? It helps us reflect on loss. Fear? It keeps us safe. So, what about happiness?
Well, that's where dopamine comes in. You know, that little rush you get when you get something you want? That's dopamine. And it makes your brain remember what brought you that pleasure. Back in the day, that was stuff like, you know, food or a safe place to sleep. And your brain makes you feel good when you get it, so you'll keep doing what you need to do to survive.
But, like, emotions are *meant* to be fleeting. They're like, you know, wind socks. They show you which way the wind is blowing, and then they're gone. You let them do their thing, and then you move on. Problems start when those emotions stick around too long, or get too intense. Fear turns into anxiety, sadness into depression, and even happiness can turn into mania!
So, those students trying to stay happy all afternoon? They were doomed from the start. We've put happiness and pleasure on this pedestal. But chasing those feelings can actually turn into an addiction! Dr. Anna Lembke has talked about this, about how many ways we can get hooked on dopamine. Reading stuff, video games, or shopping. These dopamine hits, quick and leaving us wanting more, tempt us from all sides.
It's like, if we're not happy, we just chase the next high, right? We're just greyhounds chasing a fake rabbit, never really getting anywhere, never in control.
And, you know, what if you *couldn't* feel emotions at all? There was this neuroscientist, Antonio Damasio, that talked about a patient that lost the ability to feel. The guy was never upset, never happy. Emotions, as gut feelings, allow us to reduce the possibilities from which to choose by ruling out all the patently bad ones, allowing our rational brain to make better decisions. But without that, the rational brain can make bad decisions.
When Marvin and his wife looked at wedding pictures, he could not figure out how he should feel. He knew logically that he should feel something, but he could not. He remembered getting married, but he could not feel the way he had when he had gotten married.
It's like, in our society, we're obsessed with controlling our emotions, curating them. We buy books and apps that promise to make us happier, but we're demonizing the uncomfortable feelings. And we can't control the world around us, so we feel ashamed about our anger, afraid of our grief, or anxious about our anxiety.
Other cultures have different ideas. Eastern cultures often prepare for the pain that life brings. Some religions believe that desire is the root of suffering. While others think wealth, success, and happiness prove you're aligned with God.
Steven Hayes, a psychologist, encourages people to stop suppressing uncomfortable feelings, which leads to psychological inflexibility. And in today's world, with so much going on, we need to be mentally flexible.
If we were all capable of believing that our most difficult moments are opportunities for understanding ourselves and our world better—mixed emotional profiles might not be any less healthy than purely positive ones.
Dialectical means, in this case, the ability to hold two opposing ideas or emotions in one’s head at the same time. Good and bad events and feelings can happen in the same moment—bittersweet ones.
Functioning well does not mean you have to be perfect, exceptional, or constantly exhibiting qualities of good mental health at the highest levels.
The six domains of human excellence are the foundation of how I measure the functioning well side of flourishing. These six key domains determine whether we get high marks on psychological and social well-being: acceptance and autonomy, connection and competence, and mastery and mattering.
Remember: Directing our energy toward functioning well, even when we are not feeling good—when stress nips at our heels or grief surges up at unpredictable and inopportune times—will have the most immediate and profound impact on our well-being. Doing so requires a great deal of faith in the process and courage in the moment.
So, flourishing, that's your North Star. And don't be fooled by the promise of happiness alone. Many studies measure happiness based on a certain set of social criteria and, as a result, praise various cultures for their success in achieving “happiness.” But they—and we—should be more cautious. Cultures are just like people: They might feel happy in a moment—even a lot of moments—but if they are not also functioning well, they are not fully reaping all the benefits of flourishing.
Think about Epicurus, the ancient philosopher. He believed we're wired to avoid pain and seek pleasure. Like a baby screaming for comfort. He called it tranquility, the pinnacle of a good life.
Aristotle, on the other hand, said happiness is just a by-product of growing as a person, living out your values, connecting with community, and functioning well. He called it eudaimonia.
So, flourishing has the emotional, psychological, and social. It's a challenge to feel good and function well. But our job is to pursue excellence.
Aristotle argued that everything has a function. A saw cuts, a car drives, and humans? We have our minds. The prefrontal cortex lets us plan, reason, learn, and understand ourselves. It makes us human.
Sure, we have a limbic brain, where pleasure and survival are the goals. But we're capable of more. We can forgo immediate gratification. Remember the Marshmallow Experiment? Kids who waited got a second marshmallow. Those kids were using their prefrontal cortex to overcome temptation. They were exhibiting eudaimonia.
Having potential isn't enough, though. It takes work, practice, and time to become a better athlete, friend, employee, etc. It takes a lifetime to be the best version of yourself.
I even do a game with my students where I offer to grant them all the positive qualities they want. And you know what? Most of them refuse! They want to develop those qualities themselves. They want to *achieve* their eudaimonia.
So, it's like that whole idea of putting the cart before the horse. We shouldn't put happiness first. It would be like we all live as if there is just one marshmallow in life and we always choose to eat it right away. But if we prioritize functioning well, those marshmallows will come as a result of working on ourselves to become a better person.
Acceptance: Are you accepting of yourself as you are—your personality, your strengths and weaknesses, your behavior, and your full range of thoughts and emotions? Are you accepting of other people?
Autonomy: When a situation calls for self-direction, are you comfortable thinking for yourself, expressing yourself, and doing your own thing?
Connection: Are you able to cultivate warm, trusting relationships? Are you part of a larger community?
Competence: Are you able to manage the tasks of daily life?
Mastery: Are you motivated to learn and grow?
Mattering: Do you believe that you and your life are significant and that you’re making a contribution to this world?