Chapter Content
Okay, so, like, chapter, um, well, it's about becoming the least defensive person you know. That sounds, like, super ambitious, right?
So, the story starts with my partner, Brett. He's a total storyteller. He, like, saves up stuff all day so he can tell me about it when the kids are in bed. We usually hang out in the kitchen, and he'll be like, "Hey, you wanna hear what the internet says kids tell their therapists about their parents?" or, "Oh my god, the faculty meeting today was, like, insane!" Honestly, I love it. It's this, like, really sweet way to reconnect at the end of the day.
But, one evening, Brett was doing dishes, and I was, you know, snuggled up with my pink blanket, answering emails. Living the dream, basically. But then he says, really hesitant, "Do you think you could leave your phone in the other room while we hang out?" He said when I'm on my phone, it makes him feel like I don't think his stories are interesting and it makes him want to, like, check out too.
And of course, I was all, "I'm listening! I'm multitasking! And besides, I might find something interesting on Twitter to tell you!" Or, you know, "I'm looking up, like, stats that are relevant to our conversation." I was totally justifying it.
But, uh, he just gave me this look, you know? Like a classic New England, uh, eyebrow raise that just screams "Exhausted." And yeah, he wasn't impressed with my "multitasking," and he didn't think my on-the-fly research was, like, adding anything to the conversation.
And honestly? He was right. I knew it. I mean, nobody likes it when you're trying to talk to them and they're glued to their phone. Psychologists have even done studies showing that even just having a phone nearby, like on the table, it makes interactions worse. And, the research shows that people get annoyed when others are on the phone, they still try to justify their own phone use, right? I could totally relate!
I mean, I’ve been annoyed at friends texting while we are on a walk. But it was hard for me to admit that I was making Brett's and my time worse. But then I thought about when we actually give each other our full attention, and how great that is.
So, over the next few days, I thought about it a lot. I started leaving my phone upstairs after the kids were asleep, just to avoid the temptation. And Brett even noticed! He said I was using it less, and that felt… good, you know? But it was still hard to admit he was right in the first place.
Brett even tells me he'd brought it up before! I just... didn't hear him, I guess. Maybe I was on my phone the first few times, or maybe I just didn't want to hear it, you know? It's so easy to miss when your brain is just trying to protect your ego, right?
And that's the thing about defensiveness. It's, like, this reflex. It shuts down information that could actually be really helpful.
Think about it. Have you ever tried to get a loved one to change a habit? Or been on the receiving end of unsolicited advice? Maybe you suggested someone study harder, or exercise more, or be more patient, right? What was the reaction? It's never good. People don't appreciate having those things pointed out. We want to feel good about ourselves, and when someone suggests we aren’t behaving in the best way, it threatens our self-image. So we get defensive.
At the neural level, neural alarm systems go up, and activity in self-relevance and value systems go down when people react defensively to messages pushing them to change. In counterarguing these messages that feel threatening to our identity, we double down on our old habits and resist change that could be good for us.
And it's always worse when it's something that really matters to us, something that's part of our core identity. The stronger our habits or beliefs are, the more likely we are to get defensive. I care a lot about being a good partner, so at first I really couldn’t hear what Brett was saying, and then I wanted to justify my behavior.
Now, of course, not all advice is good advice, right? But when we just shut everything down because we're being defensive, we miss out on new perspectives that could be, well, useful. These perspectives may open up more productive conversations.
Understanding how the brain works and how defensiveness comes about gives us tools to lessen its impact, making it easier to find value in new ideas and behaviors. And you get to see new possibilities through the eyes of others.
And speaking of holding onto things… I’ve got this mug… it's this truly awful mug, okay? I got it in college, like, in Newport, Rhode Island. I found it in a box labeled "free." It's this, like, badly painted boat with lobsters singing, okay? Brett hates it. He’s, like, subtly hinted that I should throw it away for years, right?
But I’m like, “No way! It’s *my* mug!”
I know I’m not alone in this. I mean, there's, like, actual Nobel Prize-winning research about this mug thing! Kahneman, Thaler, and Knetsch did this experiment where they gave people a mug and they suddenly thought it was worth, like, twice as much as people were willing to pay for a new mug. It’s called the "endowment effect," apparently.
They basically found that once you own something, even for a few minutes, you start to value it way more than you would otherwise. And the researchers found that the aversion to giving up something that is mine also triggered activity in brain regions that track feelings of conflict and loss.
And, you know, okay, it's just a mug, right? But we do this with bigger things too. We hold onto ideas and habits because our brains see them as part of us. It gives us a sense of identity.
So, how do we become less defensive, more open-minded? Well, one way is to figure out what's *really* important to our sense of self and what's not.
Think about what you'd say if I asked you to describe yourself. Maybe you're thoughtful, ambitious, punctual. Now, can you rank those qualities in order of importance? Which ones are, like, core to your identity?
That’s how you think about your traits. Like a network, with your most important traits at the center. And research shows the brain takes this network into account. The self-relevance system doesn't treat all these judgments the same way; some come more easily than others. The team also found that certain regions in our self-relevance system, like the medial prefrontal cortex, appear to track how deeply ingrained these different parts of ourselves are to us.
It's easier to incorporate feedback about traits that are more peripheral than core. People are more likely to adjust their self-views to be more positive, while resisting feedback they perceived as negative.
If what we're trying to maximize is how good we feel in the moment, then giving less attention to our weaknesses might seem like it makes sense. The problem is, when we sweep our weaknesses under our mental rug, we miss out on the chance to do better. Instead, reflecting on our core traits gives us a potential tool that we can use to grow and change.
So, take a minute, really, to think about what matters most to you. Your relationships? Your spirituality? Your ambition? Now think about a time in the future when you will tap into that. This is called "values affirmation."
Values affirmations help people see that their self-worth doesn't depend on just one thing. I'm still a curious, creative person, even if I used my phone while hanging out with Brett. And maybe changing is actually more me than ignoring the feedback would be.
And they also found in studies that when people spent time reflecting on their values, their brains were more open to advice, and they were more likely to change.
And if reflecting on your core values sounds hard, there are other options. You can take quizzes or do sentence completion exercises.
In a range of settings, values affirmation can reduce defensiveness and make us more open to change.
Now, the timing of these affirmations is important. They work best right before a potential threat. Like, before a difficult meeting. Once defensiveness has set in, it's often too late.
And small wins can snowball. Early wins can build confidence and lead to advantages that accumulate. By the same token, if we don’t pay attention to what happens early on, negative feelings can also spiral.
So repeat these values affirmations! This can create a positive feedback loop: doing them regularly can contribute to building a larger sense of purpose. People who report having a strong sense of purpose tend to live longer, happier, healthier lives.
If we want to maximize the effects of values affirmation or other exercises that help connect us to our bigger goals or purpose, growing evidence suggests that values and purpose that connect us to other people are particularly powerful.
Okay, so, back to Brett. That night he brought up the cell phone issue, I did feel defensive at first. But the next day, I thought about how my friends who never use their phones when we hang out, and how connected I feel with them. I knew I wanted to be like that for my partner.
And for many of us, being connected to other people is one of the most important and meaningful things in our lives. As we explored in the first part of this book, our understanding of what others think and feel shapes us. Beyond opening us up to new ideas and behaviors, seeing what other people value and how they behave can change what we ourselves value and how we behave. Even stories of other people can play a powerful role in changing our thoughts and actions.
Learning from role models can bypass the defensiveness that often arises when we are confronted with more direct persuasive messages or attempts to change our behavior. I think about Karen Hsu, my boss at my old job. She was a great boss. She was open-minded and took our feedback seriously. When I find myself sitting across a table from someone at work in a tough situation, I think of Karen. It helps me stay calm, warm, and focused on what is good for the individual and the team.
When we think about other people and their personalities, our own brains respond as if we had those traits. So adopting someone else's perspective can help us approach situations in our lives that are difficult or may be threatening to our sense of self.
Beyond changing how we feel, taking someone else's perspective can also change what we do. In a study, college students drank less alcohol when they were reminded to take the perspective of a peer who drank less than they did. The people we pay attention to shape who we become.
And it's not just the social relevance system that responds to values affirmation and perspective taking. We can also tap into the self-relevance system with these approaches, opening ourselves up to change by increasing how self-relevant and valuable we find new ideas and behaviors. But if, as we've seen, defensiveness arises from holding on to our core self too tightly, another approach suggests itself: removing our self from the situation.
Talking to ourselves in the third person can be an effective way to regulate negative emotions. Describing problems in the third person can increase our ability to solve problems. Even taking the perspective of a "fly on the wall" helps us feel less angry.
Thinking about situations from a new angle or perspective and letting go of our tendency to interpret situations in terms of their personal relevance to us actually changes how the brain works.
I thought of this in a recent yoga class when the teacher urged us to “trust that the moment will move.” I loved it. When I'm feeling stuck, grumpy, or generally not loving how I'm feeling, I like to think about this study and about how just letting go might help my brain be more dynamic.
This also aligns with thousands of years of wisdom in Eastern traditions, including not only yoga but other forms of meditation and mindfulness.
Mindful acceptance can help us regulate emotional intensity by changing our appraisals of the emotional significance of different images and experiences. If we let go of a strict notion of the self, then there is nothing to defend.
Our sense of "self" is built in part from our past experiences, beliefs, and behaviors, and we often cling particularly tightly to these fragments in an effort to maintain a coherent and positive sense of who we are. But if we want to make choices that are best aligned with what we value, sometimes it helps to let go of the fragments of "self" that aren't serving our current needs and future goals.
I missed chances to connect more deeply with Brett when I failed to respond to his earlier suggestions that I stay off my phone in the evening. Similarly, we could lose out on the chance to learn new skills and become better at our jobs when we dismiss critical feedback from colleagues or team members, or lose out on the chance to connect with our family and friends when we justify the annoying thing we did or blame the other person, rather than trying to see how we might have been responsible for a conflict.
Observing a situation and responding with a nonjudgmental, curious mindset can take the emotional edge off the prospect of change and literally help our brains be more nimble and present-focused, rather than stuck on defending past ideas of who we are.