Chapter Content
Okay, so, this chapter, it's all about changing what you think, by, you know, changing what you think about. Makes sense, right? So, there's this guy, Ernie Grunfeld, and his story is, like, seriously movie material. He didn't even start playing basketball until he was eight, when he moved to New York. And get this, just twelve years later, bam, Olympic gold medal! Then he's playing for all these NBA teams – the Bucks, the Kings, the Knicks. It's kind of a big deal, especially because his parents were Holocaust survivors. But, you know, all this almost didn't happen.
His parents, Alex and Livia, they were living in Romania under the Soviets. They managed to escape to New York, opened a fabric store in the Bronx. The store was their whole life, basically. Alex worked there like, seven days a week, Livia six. And Ernie, he'd go help out on Saturdays.
But during the week, after school, Ernie started playing basketball. Just, you know, for fun. But he got really, really good. By freshman year, he was six-two and, like, a total star. Sophomore year, averaging over seventeen points a game. Junior year, over twenty! He was one of the best players in the city.
Now, his parents knew he played, but they didn't realize how serious it was. Until one night, Livia gets this phone call from Ernie's coach, Irwin Isser. And the coach is like, "Mrs. Grunfeld, you gotta come see your son play. He's the most determined player I've ever coached. He could go to college for this. He's gifted!"
Think about that. Alex and Livia, they’d organized their lives around the store and making sure Ernie got a good education. That's why they lived in Queens, even though it was further from the store. They wanted him to get a better education. They could have, you know, worried that basketball would take away from his studies or helping out at the store, where they were already working non-stop.
But Coach Isser, he, like, framed it perfectly. He emphasized Ernie's hard work and dedication, which were things the Grunfelds really valued. And he said basketball could actually open up opportunities for college. So, a few days later, they did something they *never* did. They closed the store early and went to see Ernie play. Livia recognized him right away, but Alex didn't even realize that was Ernie on the court!
After that, things changed. Alex started going to all the games. Ernie was allowed to stop working weekends to focus on basketball. And sure enough, senior year, he got recruited by the University of Tennessee. He broke all these records. And the rest is, well, history.
But think about it. What if Coach Isser hadn't called? Or what if he’d said something different? By focusing on Ernie’s determination and the possibility of college, he basically, steered their attention to things that lined up with their values. He helped them see that Ernie’s basketball career could be consistent with their goals. It kind of tipped the scales, you know?
The thing is, our value systems, they guide our choices based on our past, our needs, and our goals. Our brains are imagining like, limitless possibilities, so how do we even prioritize them?
Well, the value system, it really focuses on immediate rewards. Immediate self-relevance and immediate social relevance. How relevant is each option to me and the people I care about, *right now*? But it's not set in stone. The way something is presented, or a situation is set up, that can totally change what we think is relevant. So, we can, like, deliberately change what we're thinking about and affect the decisions that follow. It's like shining a flashlight on what's important.
Like that coach did with Ernie's parents. Or like when, a reporter helped someone remember that riding a bike could be fun; that made it easier to choose something that lined up with their priorities. Doctors can, you know, highlight the risks or the benefits of a procedure. Salespeople can talk about the cool features or the social aspect of a product. It’s all about what you choose to highlight.
When Ernie’s parents heard that their son was the most dedicated player that the coach had ever coached, they thought of all the great things that basketball could do for him. And that helped them get on board. But Ernie, when he first started playing, he wasn’t even thinking about scholarships. He just wanted to fit in.
He got teased at school. He ate different food, he spoke a different language. But at the park, playing basketball, he fit in. He started learning English. And, most importantly, he was having fun.
So, the value system helps us get from where we are to where we want to be, by guiding us toward the things that will give us a reward, you know? It’s all about what we think is most important in the moment. But this can kind of mess things up sometimes, because it means we might get distracted by things that aren't really in line with our long-term goals.
The weird thing is, even though we can imagine ourselves in different times and places, our brains still like, prioritize the here and now. It's like Future You is a totally different person.
There was this study where people were asked questions about themselves, and then the same questions but about themselves in the future, or in a different place. And their brains acted like they were thinking about a completely different person! The activity in their self-relevance system changed depending on how far away they were imagining themselves to be. It's like, "me" in the future is almost like another person.
And that impacts our value system, right? If Future You is a different person, then rewards for Future You are less valuable than rewards for Current You. That's why you might eat that cookie even though you're trying to be healthy. Or go out with friends instead of working on a project. You know it’s better to do it, but Future You can deal with it.
They call this temporal discounting, or present bias. There was this other study where people chose between getting money now or more money later. And, surprise, surprise, the less extra money they were offered and the longer they had to wait, the more likely they were to just take the money right away. And the people who were willing to wait for future rewards, their brains showed that their current selves were more aligned with their future selves.
So, it takes extra effort to work towards goals when all the rewards are far off. And we don’t really think about that enough when we’re trying to motivate ourselves. Like, we try to inspire ourselves to be healthier by focusing on how we want to live to be a hundred. But, that's kind of at odds with how our brains actually work. So, how do we bring the now and the future closer together?
Well, there was another study that showed that emphasizing how tasty vegetable dishes were made college students choose them way more often than emphasizing how healthy they were. People chose the tasty-sounding veggies like 29 percent more often. It turns out, working with people’s natural preference for immediate rewards can really help them.
So, we can think about how we talk about our own food choices, and really, we can do this in other areas of our life too. We just have to find the immediate rewards in things that feel like a chore. If you hate networking, focus on the one or two colleagues you like talking to, instead of just thinking about your future career. If you want your kids to read more, let them pick fun books, rather than just trying to get them to read books that will make them smarter. It’s about highlighting the things you enjoy now.
Sometimes, it's hard to find a way to make the things that are good for us in the long run feel good right now. So, you can try pairing it with something you *do* enjoy. This one woman found it hard to go to the gym, but she loved listening to fantasy audiobooks. So, she only allowed herself to listen to those books at the gym. And it worked! The gym became a treat.
They call this "temptation bundling." And there was even a study about it. Some people got audiobooks that they could only listen to at the gym, and others just got gift cards for audiobooks. And the first group worked out way more often! It made a profound way to make a choice easier. So, short-term thinking can actually help us achieve our long-term goals, if we focus on making the behaviors that line up with those goals more rewarding in the moment.
And another thing, you can actually try to connect with your future self. What would you do if you met your future self? Would it change your behavior?
Well, that’s what some researchers were trying to figure out. They put people in virtual reality and let them interact with an older version of themselves. And it changed how they acted *right away*. Afterward, these people put twice as much money into their retirement fund!
So, even without VR, you can change how your brain weighs different choices just by focusing on your future self. It’s like, the more our brains see Future You as a separate person, the less we care about future rewards. So, how do we fix that?
Well, there was this neuroscientist who helped people reduce their cravings for cigarettes and junk food. She had people look at pictures of cigarettes and junk food, and then told them to think about either the immediate pleasure, or the long-term consequences. And just that little thing changed how their value systems responded. Thinking about the long-term consequences lowered the activity in the parts of the brain connected to cravings.
Basically, shifting your focus away from the immediate rewards helps, which is why thinking about the future consequences of your actions is so helpful! It’s within our personal control. So, we can direct that flashlight to the future and really think about the future we want to live in.
Having a clear picture of that future is really helpful. Remember Ernie’s mom? She wanted her son to get a good education. So, when the coach said that basketball could be Ernie's ticket to college, he was already tapping into a goal that was really important to her.
And you can do this in smaller ways, too. For example, when you're hiring someone. Choosing a new team member, that's a pretty high-stakes decision. You have to weigh all these different skills and qualities. And psychologists have found that the attributes people pay attention to when they’re hiring, it makes a huge difference. And it’s really easy to get sidetracked. If the first person you interview is awkward, you might suddenly put way too much emphasis on people’s interpersonal skills. Even though there may be more important skills.
The point is, it helps to have a clear idea of what you want, what attributes would be most helpful in a future colleague. Then you can be less biased. You can compare candidates based on a defined criteria. But, you know, you have to be aware of your biases when you’re creating that criteria. People value traits that they themselves have. So, you have to try to overcome that.
Like, remember that greater diversity in teams is associated with more creativity. You have to think about experience differently. Think about ways that someone’s other experience can make them great in the job you are hiring for. Reframe what you’re thinking about. Change your focus. So it’s not just the clear picture, but that flexibility in how we get there that helps.
Where you focus your attention, that affects what you value and how you choose. If you learn the price of something before learning about it, you’ll focus on how practical it is. But if you fall in love with the product first, practicality matters less.
Also, the more time you spend focusing on something, the more likely you are to choose it. And if you spend more time focusing on a potential loss, you’re less likely to take a gamble, even when you could win money.
So, changing focus can influence what we buy, what we eat, and who we hire. It can also help us if choices are made for us. Because those same tools can help us change how we *feel* about a situation, even if we can’t control the situation itself.
Take Ernie, for example. He didn’t get to pick where he played in the NBA. He wanted to play for the Knicks, but he ended up in Milwaukee, which was far away from his family. He was disappointed. But when his mom asked him if he was happy about it, he told her he was going to *make* himself happy.
He realized that he had a choice about how to think about it. He could have been upset, and played badly, but that wasn’t him. He decided to make the best of the situation.
Most of us aren’t professional athletes, but we’ve all been in situations where we don’t get our first choice. My mom used to tell me, "If you don't like the way you’re feeling, change the way you’re thinking." It’s all about changing what you’re paying attention to.
Our brains, they keep track of our feelings, too. There’s activity in the parts of the brain that are connected to the value system, and this activity is connected to our emotions. So, we can use those same tools to change not only what we choose, but how we *feel* about it. This is called reappraisal.
It’s about changing how you think about a situation to change how you feel. You’re turning your attention to different aspects that make you feel less negative. And sometimes, it's about working *with* those uncomfortable feelings.
So, there’s reappraisal can also help you regulate your positive emotions. Why would you want to feel less happy? Well, if you get too excited about something, it can make you miss important details. You might jump at your dream job, and miss the chance to negotiate a better deal for yourself. So, you can tell yourself to focus on the parts that will matter in the long run.
And it’s not about finding the right way to feel, because “liking” how we are feeling doesn’t always mean it feels good. We can work on appreciating feelings that are compatible with our values. We can dial them up or down.
Back to Ernie, he wanted to be in New York, but he ended up in Milwaukee. So, instead of focusing on what he was missing, he focused on playing professional basketball and also on his girlfriend there. You can get more enjoyment out of life and be easier on each other. If someone answers your call by asking why you haven’t been in touch, instead of getting angry, you can focus on the fact that they love you and miss you.
Another form of reappraisal is to step outside the situation, and imagine yourself as an objective observer. Imagine it happening to someone else. Imagine yourself as a fly on the wall. It makes our emotions less intense, increases our wisdom, and improves our decisions.
And another thing, simply noticing how you feel, without judging it, that can also change your brain responses. It can help you make choices that are aligned with your needs, rather than past assumptions. There’s a researcher at Berkeley who has found that teaching people to be more mindful can help their health and well-being.
So, if you want to change the value of different choices, change how you think about the situation. Change how you feel. And that will change what you do. That's what Ernie did. And he ended up enjoying his time in Milwaukee. He even met his future wife there. And he had an awesome career as a player and a manager.
The thing is, we’re lucky when the things we love and that give us immediate reward are compatible with our bigger goals. Ernie loved basketball, and he was good at it. But what about when the things that feel good in the short term don't line up with our long-term goals? Well, then we have a different choice. We can choose to appreciate the pleasure of eating the cake, or we can focus on the longer-term consequences. It's about changing what you're paying attention to.
And you can change other people's decisions too, by shining light on things that are important to them. Like the coach did when he highlighted what Ernie stood to gain from basketball.
But it’s not easy to take coaching. We get defensive and come up with reasons why it might not be right for us. So, remember that throughout his life, Ernie focused on connecting with other people. In the next chapter, we will dive into what might happen if we let go of our fixed sense of self and focused more on connections with those around us.