Chapter Content
Okay, so, um, I wanted to talk about something that I think is really important in relationships, and it’s something I’ve totally struggled with in the past, and still kind of do sometimes, to be honest. It’s about communication, right? Specifically, it's about knowing what someone needs from you when they come to you with a problem.
See, I’m a fixer. Like, that’s just my default setting. Professionally, it’s usually a good thing, you know? People bring me problems, I try to fix them. But, like, in my personal relationships? That’s a whole different story. It, uh, hasn't always gone so well. I’ve had so many tense moments with my wife, my family, my friends, because they would come to me with something they were struggling with, and boom! I’m immediately like, dissecting the whole thing, offering solutions, trying to, you know, make it all better. And then I was always so confused when they would, like, reject my ideas, or get annoyed with me, or just kind of withdraw. I just didn’t get it.
And, well, it took me way too long to figure this out, but sometimes people don't want you to fix it. Seriously. They just, um, they just want you to be there. With them. That's it. So I came across this idea, it's called "helped, heard, or hugged." And apparently therapists and teachers and counselors, they use it all the time. And honestly, it's been a game-changer. It really helps you, you know, figure out what people need in those everyday relationship situations. It helps you give them what they actually need, not just what *you* think they need.
So, here’s the thing, when someone you care about comes to you with something, try asking them, "Do you want to be helped, heard, or hugged?" I know, it sounds a little weird at first, but hear me out.
"Helped" means, okay, let's deconstruct this problem. Let’s brainstorm some solutions. This is where the fix-it mentality gets to shine. It's when they actually *want* your advice.
"Heard" means, listen. Just listen. Intently. Let them vent, let them express whatever they need to. No interrupting, no offering advice unless they specifically ask.
And "Hugged" means, well, it's about providing comforting physical touch. A hug, a hand squeeze, whatever feels appropriate. Touch is a big deal for a lot of people, it's a powerful way to show you care, including my wife, for example. Sometimes people just want to feel your presence, your support, without having to say a word.
The cool thing about asking that question – "helped, heard, or hugged?" – is that it creates a two-way awareness. It forces you to stop and think about what *they* need, not just jump into your default mode. It kind of snapped me out of my fixer-upper mode, you know? Instead of showing up for my loved ones in the way that was easy and natural for me, I started meeting them where they were at, in the way that was best for *them*. And honestly, it's made a huge difference.
Now, like, at first, asking that specific question, "Do you want to be helped, heard, or hugged?" it can feel a little clunky. But after a while, you'll start to recognize patterns. You'll start to get a sense of what your partner, or your friend, or your family member, usually needs in different situations. It gets easier, I promise.
So, yeah, if you’re anything like me, and you've, uh, ever struggled to figure out what someone needs, give the "helped, heard, or hugged" thing a try. It might just change your relationships for the better. I know it's helped me a bunch.