Chapter Content
Okay, so, let's talk about building relationships. I know, I know, it sounds like networking, right? But honestly, I think traditional networking is, well, it's kinda dead. You're not gonna get anywhere just by collecting, you know, thousands of business cards. What actually matters is building real, genuine connections with people. It's about giving without expecting anything back, acting in the service of others, and creating value for the people around you. I really believe that the people who invest in building relationships, rather than just networking, are the ones who are gonna see the biggest, like, long-term rewards in their lives—you know, health, wealth, happiness, the whole shebang.
And look, I'll be honest here. I'm not a natural at this. Like, I'm actually a bit introverted, and I get a little socially anxious, especially in big crowds, like at conferences or parties. But even I've managed to build some really deep and meaningful connections over the years, and it's brought so much joy and value to my life.
So, whether you're, like, moving to a new city, starting a new job, trying to climb the ladder at your current one, or even just wanting to make some new friends, I've got, like, four anti-networking principles that can really help.
First up: Find value-aligned rooms. Seriously, this is the best advice I've ever gotten. Basically, you want to put yourself in situations where there's a high concentration of people who share your values. So, think about your own core values, your hobbies, your interests, both personal and professional, and then think about where you're most likely to find people who are into the same things. You know, for example, if you're a dog lover and you love being outdoors, then, like, dog parks, outdoor beer gardens, or even just hiking trails are probably gonna be full of people who are also into that.
The whole idea is that you increase your chances of connecting with people when you put yourself in environments where, like, several levels of filtering have already happened before you even get there. So, if you're passionate about fitness, maybe hit up the farmers market, the gym early in the morning, or those hiking trails. If you're focused on your marketing career, then, look up local marketing events or social media conferences. And if you're into books and art, find a local book club, go to art gallery openings, maybe even join the local museum community. I mean, professionally, these rooms are usually pretty easy to find, because your company will often have conferences, events, and parties that they encourage you to go to. But in your personal life, you might have to do a little bit more digging.
But seriously, put yourself in the right rooms, and you're already, like, way ahead of the game when it comes to building new relationships.
Okay, Principle number two: Ask engaging questions. So, once you're in those rooms, you actually have to, you know, talk to people. A simple "hello" and a smile is usually a great way to start, because it kind of breaks the ice and cuts the tension.
From there, I've got a few go-to questions that I've found that really work. Like, "What's your connection to this place or event?" or "What are you most excited about currently?" or "What's lighting you up outside of work?" or even just "What's the best book you've read lately?"
And just a quick note, try to avoid asking "What do you do?" You know, it's kind of a generic question, and it usually gets you a really canned response. And if people aren't, like, super proud of their work, it can be kind of an awkward question, too. "What are you most excited about right now?" usually leads to way more personal and interesting answers and it just keeps the conversation flowing.
And look, if you're naturally a bit socially anxious, a lot of that comes from putting pressure on yourself to be "interesting" to other people. But what if you flipped it around? Focus on being interested. Ask those engaging questions. It's way easier and, frankly, way more effective.
Okay, Principle number three: Become a Level 2 and Level 3 listener. So, there's this concept that there are three levels of listening. Level one is "me" listening. You're in a conversation, but your inner voice is basically relating everything you hear to something in your own life. You're, like, thinking about your own stuff while the other person is talking. You're waiting to speak, not listening to actually learn. This is honestly most people's default mode.
Level two is "you" listening. You're really focused on what the other person is saying. You're not just waiting for your turn; you're actually listening to learn.
And Level three, that's "us" listening. You're building a mental map of the other person, trying to understand how everything they're sharing fits into their broader life and their worldview. You're listening to understand, thinking about the layers beneath what they're saying.
Like I said, most people default to Level 1, but charismatic people, the ones who really connect with others, are usually practicing Level 2 and Level 3 listening. So, if you want to build genuine relationships, you need to live in Level 2 and Level 3.
And hey, be a loud listener! You know, after you ask a question, lean in and really show that you're paying attention with your body language, your facial expressions, and make little sounds to show that you understand.
And as you're listening, make some mental notes about the person's interests or anything that jumps out at you. These are gonna come in handy with principle number four.
Alright, last one. Principle four: Use creative follow-ups. When a conversation has run its course, don't feel like you have to drag it out. Just exit gracefully. I've always found that a simple "It was so great meeting you. I look forward to seeing you again soon!" works great in pretty much any situation. And if it makes sense, offer to exchange contact information.
But after the conversation, jot down those mental notes you made in your phone or in a notebook, and make a plan to follow up in the next few days.
I'll give you an example. I used to always talk about my favorite books with new people. And if I was talking to someone professionally and I wanted to deepen the connection, I'd send them a copy of the book with a handwritten note to their office. I've actually built some really great mentor relationships that way.
Here are a few more ideas for thoughtful follow-ups: Share an article or podcast that you think they'd like, and explain why. Or maybe offer a new idea related to something they were struggling with professionally. Or even offer to connect them with a friend who shares one of their interests.
The goal here is to show that you were really listening and that you took the initiative to follow up. Like, playing hard to get is just silly. Invest some energy in building genuine relationships, and it will pay off, I promise.
And just a quick note, if you didn't actually get their contact information, you might need to do a little digging to find their office address or email. Like, if you didn't get an email at the event, try guessing it! You know, something like firstname@company.com, or first initial last name@company.com. Email data shows that those structures cover, like, over 80 percent of emails! So, a little hustle goes a long way.
Look, remember that relationships actually affect your health! They are, quite literally, everything. So, stop networking. Seriously. Use these four anti-networking principles, and start building genuine connections. They'll pay dividends in all areas of your life for years to come.