Chapter Content
Okay, so, like, choosing who you're going to spend your life with? Huge. Like, seriously the biggest decision you're ever gonna make. Think about those charts about how you spend your time, right? Your partner? That's the person you're gonna be spending more and more time with, like, until the very end. So, yeah, it's kind of a big deal.
I've been super lucky, I think, seeing love work. I mean, my wife and I, we've been married for a while now, and together even longer, like since high school. And my parents, they've been married forever, and her parents too. All our grandparents were together until the very end. So I’ve learned a lot from being around those relationships, especially about what it actually means to, like, *grow* in love.
'Cause let's be real, falling in love? Easy. Growing in love? That's the tough part. Falling in love is the highlight reel you see on social media, you know? Growing in love is the stuff you *don't* see. It's about building something deep, like, a real bond, through the tough times, the uncomfortable conversations, the challenges, all that stuff. It happens slowly, over time, through all the ups and downs. *That's* what creates a lifelong connection.
And, you know, I’ve noticed there are a couple of things that couples who actually make it, who really grow in love, tend to do. And these things have been, like, really helpful in my own relationship.
First thing is, understanding love languages. So, there's this book, right? About the five love languages. Basically, it says there are these five different ways that people give and receive love: words of affirmation, which is like, you know, compliments and encouragement; quality time, which is just, like, being present and giving your partner your undivided attention; gifts, which is, you know, thoughtful presents; acts of service, like doing things to make your partner's life easier; and physical touch, like hugs, holding hands, all that stuff.
Knowing your own love language and, like, more importantly, your partner's? That's huge. It lets you show up for them in the way that actually works, you know? Like, for me, I know my wife's love language is physical touch. So, when she's stressed or upset, a hug or a back rub is, like, way more effective than anything else I could possibly do. And when she's feeling good, just holding her hand or giving her a kiss on the cheek, it creates this, like, really strong feeling of connection. For years, I didn't even realize that that's what she needed, and it made things so much harder.
So, here's an idea, make it a game. Sit down with your partner and take one of those free quizzes online. Guess each other's love language *before* you take the quiz and see if you were right. And then, once you know, think about how you can start using that knowledge in your everyday life. Trust me, your relationship will thank you.
Okay, so, the second rule? Avoid the traps. There’s this quote that I really like, about knowing where you're going to die so you don't go there. And it's the same with relationships: Know where your relationship is gonna die so you never go there.
There's this psychologist, John Gottman, who has done a ton of research on this. He can actually predict who's going to get divorced with, like, crazy accuracy.
He figured out these four communication styles, he calls them "the Four Horsemen" – that show up in relationships that are doomed to fail. Basically, these are the places where your relationship will go to die: Criticism – not just complaining, but like, attacking the other person. Defensiveness – making excuses instead of taking responsibility. Contempt – treating your partner with disrespect, like attacking their character, which is, like, apparently the biggest predictor of divorce. And stonewalling – shutting down and refusing to engage.
So, if you know these things are out there, you can avoid them. Gottman also came up with "antidotes" for each one. For criticism, you can try the "gentle start-up" – focusing on how *you* feel instead of blaming your partner. For defensiveness, try taking responsibility and apologizing. For contempt, try building a culture of appreciation – reminding yourself of the things you love about your partner. And for stonewalling, take a break and do something relaxing to calm down.
Knowing these traps and learning how to avoid them has been, like, seriously huge for my relationship. And I think it can be for yours too.
To wrap things up, for my wife’s and my wedding anniversary, I asked couples who had been married for, like, forever – I'm talking forty, fifty, even sixty years – what relationship advice they would give to their younger selves. The advice captured more than five hundred years of wisdom.
Here's some of that advice that everyone needs to hear:
Never keep score in love. Scoreboards are for sports, not marriages. Maintain your own interests and passions outside of the relationship. It can't always be fifty-fifty, sometimes it's ninety-ten, sometimes it's ten-ninety, as long as it all adds up to one hundred. Never stop dating. Marriages don’t get boring, you stop trying. No one has ever argued their way to a happy marriage. When facing a challenge, face it together. You can't take care of your partner if you aren’t taking care of yourself. And never involve non-professional third parties in disagreements. Your spouse should always take priority over your birth family. Complementarity is just as important as compatibility. And, your love is yours. Forget the approval of others.
And finally, remember: When in doubt, love. The world can always use more love.