Chapter Content
Okay, so, like, the most surprising thing I've realized in the past five years is that, well, being happy and feeling peaceful? It's actually a *skill*. Yeah, a skill! Not something you're just born with, you know? I mean, sure, your genes play a part, kinda set the, uh, upper and lower limits, and your environment definitely matters, but you can totally push past that. You can actually reshape yourself, which is pretty cool.
Like, you can actually *increase* your happiness over time. But you gotta believe you can, you know?
And think of it this way: happiness is a skill, just like knowing about nutrition, or dieting, or working out. Or even making money, or being good with people, or having great relationships, or, like, even love itself! These are all skills, right? And the first step is realizing you can *learn* them. Once you commit to learning, your whole world just opens up, you know?
Like, when you're working, hang out with people who are more successful than you. And when you're just chilling, spend time with people who are happier than you. Makes sense, right?
So, what kind of skill *is* happiness, anyway?
Well, to master it, you gotta experiment. See what works for *you*. For example, try sitting meditation. Does it do anything for you? Is Tibetan meditation better, or Vipassana? Do you need a 10-day retreat, or is 20 minutes enough?
And if meditation doesn't do it, then try, I don't know, yoga, or surfing, or racing cars, or even cooking! Just try different stuff, see what gets you into that zone, that flow state. You gotta try a bunch of stuff until you find what clicks.
It's like, in medicine, the placebo effect is totally real. If people believe a medicine will work, it can actually help, even if it's just a sugar pill. So, if you want to feel better, you gotta be willing to try things, you know? Don't shut yourself off. Be open to anything that might help your mind. It can't hurt to try.
I remember reading this book called "The Power of Now," by Eckhart Tolle. It's all about living in the present, and it's really good, especially if you're not religious. He's basically saying the most important thing is to just be present. And he says it over and over and over, to really drive the point home.
He even describes this body energy exercise, where you lie down and feel the energy flowing around you. Now, in the past, I would've rolled my eyes and tossed the book aside. But I was like, "Hey, maybe if I'm open to it, it'll work." So I tried it, and I actually had a really good experience!
So, how do we actually, like, *build* this skill of happiness?
Well, it's all about good habits. Not drinking alcohol, not eating sugar, that can really stabilize your mood. And staying away from social media โ Facebook, Snapchat, Twitter โ that helps too. Playing video games might give you a quick buzz, I used to be obsessed with them, but it messes with your long-term happiness. And even coffee, it's kinda trading long-term health for a short-term boost. These external things kind of hijack your dopamine system, and then you crash when they're gone.
Basically, life is about replacing those bad habits you picked up along the way with good habits that you cultivate on purpose. It's about becoming a happier person, little by little. Your happiness level is, like, directly related to your habits and the people you spend the most time with.
Think about it. When we're kids, we don't really *have* habits. But then we learn what we're *not* supposed to do, we develop self-awareness, and that's when we start forming habits and patterns.
And as we get older, some people get happier, some get less happy. And a big reason is their habits. So, when you're choosing your habits, ask yourself: "Is this going to make me happier in the long run?"
And then there are the people you hang out with. Are they positive and optimistic? Is being around them draining? Do you admire and respect them, without feeling jealous?
There's this theory called the "Five Chimpanzees Theory," and it says you can predict how a chimpanzee will act by looking at the five chimps it hangs out with most. And I think it's true for people, too! That's why it's so important to be smart about who you choose as friends. You can't just be friends with someone because they're your neighbor or coworker. The happiest people pick the right five chimps, you know?
And a golden rule for dealing with conflict: just don't hang out with people who are always involved in conflict. I'm not interested in anything that's not sustainable, even relationships.
If you wouldn't want to work with someone for your entire life, don't work with them for even one day.
I have this friend from Iran, Behzad, and he just loves life. He doesn't have time for unhappy people.
And if you ask Behzad his secret to happiness, he just looks up at the sky and says, "Stop asking, start appreciating." The world is so amazing, but we're so numb to it. We take everything for granted. I mean, look at us right now, sitting inside, with food and shelter, talking to each other across space! We should be grateful for everything, because without modern civilization, we'd probably still be monkeys, sitting in the jungle, watching the sunset, not knowing where we're going to sleep that night.
If you're greedy, you think the world *owes* you things. But if you're present and grateful, you realize you're being given so much. You're surrounded by endless riches. And that awareness is really what you need to be happy. Like, right now, I'm here, and I have access to so many incredible things.
One of the biggest secrets to happiness is realizing it's a skill you can develop. It's a choice you can make. You can choose to be happy and work at it. It's like choosing to lose weight and build muscle, or choosing to go after your career, or even learning calculus.
Saying "Happiness is important to me" - that's a decision. You're putting happiness at the top of your list, and you're going to spend time learning about it.
So, about these happiness habitsโฆ
I've got a bunch of techniques that help me stay present and feel happier. At first, they seemed a little silly and hard to do. I had to really focus on them. But now, most of them are just second nature. I use them regularly, and they've really made a difference in my happiness levels.
One of the best ones is insight meditation. When I meditate, I have a clear goal: to understand how my mind works.
It's about being aware, all the time. If I catch myself judging someone, I stop and ask myself, "Can I look at this in a positive way?" I used to get annoyed by things all the time, but now I try to find the good in everything. At first, it might take me a few seconds to come up with a positive spin, but now I can do it in less than a second.
I also try to get more sunlight on my skin. I try to keep an open mind and smile more.
Whenever I notice myself wanting something, I ask myself, "Is this really that important to me? Am I really going to be unhappy if I don't get it?" Most of the time, it's not that big of a deal.
I also think quitting caffeine made me happier, because my moods are more stable.
And working out every day makes me happier too. When my body feels good, it's easier to feel peaceful inside.
The more you judge the world around you, the bigger your ego gets. One minute you feel amazing because you think you're better than everyone else. And then the next minute you're lonely and everything's awful. The world is a mirror. It reflects how you feel back at you.
Tell your friends you're a happy person. It kind of forces you to act like it. The consistency bias kicks in, and you have to live up to your description. Your friends will also expect you to be happy.
Try to avoid using the phone, calendar, and alarm clock apps on your phone. It'll give you back your time and your happiness.
The more secrets you have, the less happy you'll be.
And when you feel overwhelmed, meditate, listen to music, or exercise to reset your mood. Then let go of whatever's stressing you out, and choose something new to focus on.
Man-made stuff, like cars, houses, clothes, and money, leads to hedonic adaptation more easily than natural things, like food, sex, and exercise.
The more time you spend looking at screens, the less happy you'll be. The less time you spend looking at screens, the happier you'll be.
One way to measure your happiness is to see how much of your day you spend doing things you *have* to do, versus things you *want* to do.
News is designed to make you anxious and angry. But there's positive stuff happening too, in science, economics, education, and conflict resolution. You gotta try to stay positive and optimistic.
Politics, academia, and social status are all zero-sum games. Positive-sum games are what create positive people.
Sunlight, exercise, positive thinking, and tryptophan โ these aren't drugs, but they can increase serotonin in your brain, which helps you stay healthy, clear-headed, positive, and optimistic.
So, how do you change your habits?
Choose one thing. Make a wish, and make it concrete.
Create a sustainable plan.
Identify your needs, triggers, and alternatives.
Tell your friends about your plan.
Be meticulous and consistent.
Self-discipline is the bridge to a new self-image.
Fully embrace your new self-image. That's who you are now.
So, those are the steps: Know what you want to do. Know how to do it. Tell your friends, to use the consistency bias to your advantage. And then be disciplined, walk the walk, and reshape yourself until you become the new you.